Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Oh god it's open bar.
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