why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
