that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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