got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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