omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
