I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
