It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
