I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize