I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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