Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
