he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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