non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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