i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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