He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
