scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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