i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
