I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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