Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
