yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
