also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize