Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
The ass gains better be worth it
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