I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize