how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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