So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
