i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
