i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
