I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize