I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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