My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
