Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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