I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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