watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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