I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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