This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
