Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
