Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
