Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
