Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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