seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
how drunk are you?
Several
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
