They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
