maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
