I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
