I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I can't turn off my feet"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
