just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
