So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Can Purell be used as lube?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
