ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
