Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
