We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
