When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
