And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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