Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
