this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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