I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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