I feel like abortions should bother me more
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
