went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
