My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
