I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
They should really pass out barf bags in church
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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