I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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