i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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