now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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