Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
