Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
