you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
