Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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