nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
